I F(19), would like some outside perspective on my family situation, especially if you’re parents, or people who grew up through a divorce. My mother got divorced when I was around 7. My father has never been present and clearly loathed me, so I sorta am desensitized in showing any attachment; I’m never the type to reach out, call, or miss anyone. My mother got a boyfriend, M(20+), a few months after her divorce when she was around F(46+). I don’t find fault with her as it’s two consenting adults.

As someone who grew up losing expectations for a father figure. She asked for permission from my older sisters but not me because I was “too young.” I came home one day to a new pair of shoes on my porch and my mom introduced him. I was weirded out but okay ig. He moved in just 1–2 months after getting together with my mother. He regularly drove me to school, gave me lunch money, and bought me cakes every midnight during my birthday. However he also put up cameras out in the corridors which he regularly checked.

There was also a case where I wore loose clothing (I was around 11) and he took a picture of me from the side and showed it to me—I was at home, so I didn’t wear my undergarments—to teach me about “shame.” I was really scared and embarrassed, and never told my siblings until recently. My mom insisted I had to be thankful and filial to him. The more I grew up, the more my mother expected fatherly affection towards him, which I could never have. As I grew old enough to leave my country to study abroad, I grew even more distant, feeling freed of having to have regular contact. This led to a massive fight. Since they never had children, my mom said she expected me to act like his daughter and take care of him when he is old. She said I was cruel, had no brain, and was crazy for not considering him my father. I said point blank that I’ve never said I wanted a father figure. After this call, they broke up.

She blamed everything on me and herself, saying they broke up because I didn’t consider him my dad. A crazier point is my mom had bought him a building, invested in his business, and paid half the price for his warehouse, so he didn’t leave empty-handed. She often complained that we have no money, but it was obvious she blew it all on him. He lived with us and didn’t even have a house. She claimed he even paid for my school fees, even when all the money actually came from what he had owed her, regularly guilt-tripping me, and regularly said that I cant go to school without his help. Should I abide with her wishes and become appreciate him more, or am I allowed to feel this way? Any judgement is appreciate, thank you for your attention.